Lying in bed with a weeping child, I could not help but weep as well. I held him and felt his pain, felt his confusion. Giving him permission to experience whatever he needed to, validating each emotion as it came up, and comforting him was all I could do.

At a certain point, there seemed to be no end in sight to the downward emotional spiral we both were now involved in. Realizing I was the adult that my child was counting on to help him through this, not just go along with him for the ride, I took a deep breath and asked him a very difficult question, a very adult question, “What is the gift?”

“Are you kidding me?” I tried not to look surprised by his answer. “No, “ I continued gently, “let’s find the gift in this situation.” He responded angrily, “There is no gift in this situation!” Well, at least we had shifted from despair to anger – at this point that was progress. So I began the conversation. “It’s a gift that we are able to be here together and talk, not everyone is able to do that, not everyone has someone they feel safe with to talk about stuff.”

My child paused, and I saw him shifting from anger to awareness of his world, as he listened to me trying desperately to find the gift for him. “I am grateful you feel deeply and are such a loyal and loving son. I am grateful that you are able to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I am grateful for the opportunity to be here for you when you needed me. I am grateful for this big comfy bed we are in. I am grateful for my cashmere blanket that you always try to steal,” and as I snuggled him a little closer, “I am grateful you showered.” That got him. The tears had stopped as he listened to my gift and gratitude list. He shifted into a state of calmness, and in the end laughter. “Your turn,” I said.

And for the next hour, we lay in the dark of the room, at first talking about what we were grateful for, and eventually, calmly, about where the tears and emotions came from, how to welcome them, embrace them and eventually, let them go. It may be awhile before they are fully gone, but we both drifted off to sleep knowing that as they come up, as anything comes up in the future, we have so much to be grateful for, and there is always a gift to be found, even in the most difficult of situations. And the journey of discovering it with another person, with a child, with your child, is a gift in and of itself.