My son’s friend and many of their friends did go to her parents’ “wanna be reality TV show / CD mixin’ / D-celebrity who doesn’t show up to her kid’s graduation party” but my son chose to go to another party.   And in a moment of reflection, at the end of the day, he grabbed my hand and said, “Thanks mom, for being there for me today.”

Kids notice.  And they know what’s going on.  And if you tell yourself that “it” (whatever it is) is no big deal or that there will be plenty of other “its” then you might want to examine your priorities and question why you became a parent in the first place.

After listening and recognizing much of my own life in her rant, I had a moment of truth, “Why not you?”  The silence was deafening.  I was quiet because I was reflecting on my own life and why shouldn’t my life be the way it is?  She was quiet, I believe, because she was trying hard not to bite my head off.  I can hear her now with someone new, “I was talking to a friend who was sooo unsupportive.  Why me?”

What she may never realize is that I was being truly supportive, opening up a conversation that she may not be able to have with anyone else.  A two-way conversation about the reality of today.  Her reality.  My reality.  Why not you?  Why not me?

This question also pertains to all the good in life.  Like the random day last week when I came home from my early morning trail run and my son had made me chocolate dipped strawberries, a bowl of Cheerios, and my favorite tea.   All because he thinks I am the best mom in the world.  Why not me?

When life does not seem to be going your way, perhaps it’s best to change your perspective as opposed to your direction.

Ultimately, what is causing the friction, the tension, and the power struggle is MY inability to give up controlling every single aspect of their lives.    Just in the last six months our relationship has gone from my being in charge of them completely, to my being a mom who is there to help them navigate their own way from here on out.    Last week, I could not just be a “helper.”  I was holding lord over them, desperately clinging to my “Captain” role.  This is my ship!  I am in charge!  You will do as you are told!  It is my way or the highway!  You will defer to me!  Yup, pretty much trying to play God and have them surrender themselves and their will to ME.

Self-righteous and controlling are two words that now come to mind.  Therapy is another one.  How much future therapy have I caused them in the past seven days?  Enough to warrant a therapy scholarship?  Ah, if only there were such a thing, I would apply not only for them, but for myself as well.

But the best therapy is for me to realize that while they are still dependant upon me as I will always be their mom and hopefully always one of their “go to” people, they must now also find and depend upon own their own source, their own voice.   Prior to this moment in time, I was their captain – their voice, protector, guide, and cheerleader.  The one who kept them on the straight and narrow path.   Now, today, my role has shifted.  I am here to guide them as they find their own voice, a voice they can become dependent upon.   They will make their own mistakes.  I can’t stop them.  They will have their own experiences.  I can’t control them.   I have to let go, a little bit more each day, so that one day they can stand on their own as the bright, compassionate, wonderful young men that they are becoming.

So in this moment, I choose to shift my focus.  I will no longer look at them and see the past or literally fight with them to keep the past in the present.  I will not look at this as a loss.  Yes, I will grieve the babies and the life that we have lived for the last 13 years.  But I will grieve it privately, and quickly, so that I may move into the joy as I look forward toward the possibilities before them.  The possibilities of who they are becoming.  Who they are becoming because I was their Captain.  Who they will become because I am now just a guide.

Ah, to be 10 again!

The number that follows nine.

The first two-digit number.

The highest score possible in Olympic competitions.

The base of our decimal system.

The number of years in a decade.

The sum of the first four numbers 1 + 2 + 3 + 4

The number of digits on both hands.

The number of digits on both feet.

The number of Commandments in the Bible.

The number of violin sonatas composed by Beethoven

The most common jersey number in soccer for attacking midfielders

The number of cents in a dime.

The number that is one tenth of a dollar.

I am grateful to our troops.  Here is a list of sites to adopt a soldier, to write a letter or send care packages.   The phrase, “One nation, under God, indivisible…” suddenly comes up and resonates by taking action.

www.anysoldier.com

www.soldiersangels.org

www.forgottensoldiers.org/write-soldier.shtml

www.writeasoldier.org/

Three days of missed school (so far), taking-for-ever-doctor appointment, pharmacy trip, pain medication because I ran out trip, soup making, nursing him better, rubbing his back – all of it sent me into a panic of overwhelm and frustration because I was on deadline this week.  And then….

Lying on the sofa, weak from strep throat, exhausted from the medication and inability to sleep or eat well, Kamden said to me quietly, “I am so glad you are my mom.”

I stopped from rushing his just-in-case-bowl and cold (now warm) towel back into the kitchen and focused on his little sweaty face.  “Really?”  I said.

“Yup.  You always take such good care of me.”  He closed his eyes, then opened them again at half-mast.  “Thank you,” he whispered with love and fell back into his healing slumber.

I stood staring at him.  All of sudden he seemed so little, so vulnerable and innocent.  He seemed 10.  And I was brought back to reality – a reality for which I am eternally grateful that I can be the one who gets to let everything else go and be at home with him when he is sick.  I get to be the one who takes him to the doctor and hold his head as he slumps over, unable to stay awake in those horribly uncomfortable chairs.  He climbs onto my lap for comfort.  Asks me to scratch his back.  Gives himself over to me, completely, to take care of him and nurture him back to health.

I am his Mom.  His safe place.  Where and to whom he can surrender it all and know that he will be taken care of no matter what.  Seeing that in him allows me to surrender my own struggles, my own worries, and know that regardless, all will be taken care of.   In this house of sickness and pain, peace and hope and love prevail.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=9xwCG0Ey2Mg

I am willing and up for anything that results in good at this point in my life, and the implied benefits of this “program” appealed to me greatly, so, what the heck, right?   My hope is that I will now look forward to Mondays and that I will become excited to start the week off by looking forward to discovering what I can do to help someone else as well as myself.  So here is the first of 52 for 2010.  I look forward to your comments, your own journey and to making Monday’s Matter!

WHAT MATTERS MOST?

A List of What Matters Most to Me

1. LOVE – The relationships with my kids, my close and extended family and friends and spending time with them.  And fully accepting all unconditionally.
2. Connecting with other people and listening.  Really listening and learning.
3. Contributing – to relationships, through work, to society, to others.
4. Creating.
5. Health – Physical, Mental, Spiritual
6. Genuine.
7. Happiness – I figure if I have all of the above, happiness will be a by product.

How I currently spend my Time (in order of greatest time to least amount of time)

Working
With Kids ( and MOM STUFF.  Need more play time here – They grow up so fast!)
Household
Exercise
Personal Time
Fun Time
Wasted Time

List of Weekly Activities That are REQUIRED, OPTIONAL, WASTE OF TIME

Work (REQUIRED)
Writing – Clients, Book Proposals, Blog
Marketing
Networking
Facebook (OPTIONAL-WASTE)
Email (OPTIONAL – WASTE)
Obsessing on the past or the future (WASTE)
Exercise (REQUIRED)
Personal Time Daily (REQUIRED)
Masters Program (REQUIRED)
Helping kids with Homework/School/Sports Shuttling (REQUIRED)
Attending kids’ sporting events and school events (REQUIRED)
Seeing family and friends (REQUIRED)
Adult Time (REQUIRED)
Worrying (WASTE)
Shopping/Aimless Wandering (WASTE)
Housework (OPTIONAL – REQURIED) – I need a neat house…but I know it is not as important as some of the other things on the list….Need balance here!  J
House Upkeep (OPTIONAL – REQUIRED) – This list is endless and overwhelming, so I alternately ignore it and stress over it.

Hmmm.   Now I can rearrange my schedule so that I can spend my time doing that which is REQUIRED.  Interestingly, I realize most of the wasted activities tend to be an output of negative mental energy.  Letting go of control, and just being in the present and enjoying what comes up is a new habit that I hope will alleviate that wasted time and energy and help focus on the positive – and thus move everything forward as it is meant to be.  Whatever that looks like.