“If Resistance couldn’t be beaten, there would be no Fifth Symphony, no Romeo and Juliet, no Golden Gate Bridge.  Defeating Resistance is like giving birth.  It seems absolutely impossilbe until you remember that women have been pulling it off successfully, with support and without, for fifty million years.”

Stephen Pressfield in The War of Art

The kids on the other hand….

My son’s friend and many of their friends did go to her parents’ “wanna be reality TV show / CD mixin’ / D-celebrity who doesn’t show up to her kid’s graduation party” but my son chose to go to another party.   And in a moment of reflection, at the end of the day, he grabbed my hand and said, “Thanks mom, for being there for me today.”

Kids notice.  And they know what’s going on.  And if you tell yourself that “it” (whatever it is) is no big deal or that there will be plenty of other “its” then you might want to examine your priorities and question why you became a parent in the first place.

Basic #1.  Your kids do not need a friend, or a buddy or a pal.  They need a parent.  And parents can seem unreasonable and embarrassing and like they don’t know what they are talking about.  But at the end of the day, “Because I am your mom” is enough.  No other explanation necessary.

Basic #2.  Everything is a privilege.  Soccer is not a right.  Baseball is not a right.  Being driven anywhere is not a right.  Computers, iPods, Xboxes, cell phones, iPads, playing with friends, riding in the front seat, being left home alone, being allowed to “go on ahead” on your own, being allowed to go to a party, ceremony, friends house, guitar lessons, it is all a privilege.  And it can all be taken away.

Basic #3. If you say it – swear it – threaten it – or even whisper it loud enough for them to hear, you MUST follow through and/or stand your ground.   Regardless.

Basic #4.  While critical thinking is a valuable skill, and the art of the negotiation is an admirable quality even in your children, bartering is for the birds.  Bartering is exchanging one thing for another – for example, “If you clean the bathroom, you can play Xbox online with your friends.”  This sets a dangerous precedent for years of misery.  Do not barter with your kids.  They need to clean the bathroom because they use it.

Basic #5.  Reward the good. Comment on the good.  Focus on the positive.  Everyone just wants to feel like they are loved and that they make a positive contribution.  So let them.

I never thought I’d miss the banging and clanging of the drums.

I never thought I’d long to hold the back of a bike, hunched over, running at top speed, keeping up and holding on so my little boy would not fall over.

There are many things I never thought…

Today, I think of the past wistfully, and look to present and enjoy the moments, for I now know I will see the day when it is gone as well….

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.  I did not want to even imagine what he might be up to.  And at this point, I thought to myself, he is old enough to know better.  If he gets hurt, that will be the last time he does whatever he is doing.  Cynical parenting at it’s finest.

“HHHHUuuuuuuuummmmmppppphhhhhhh!”  THUD!

‘Huuuuuummmmmmppphphpphphphhphphphp!” THUD!

“HHHHuuuuuuummmmmmpphphphphp!! THUD!

Over and over.  Just at the moment when I did not think I could possibly ignore it for one more nano second, the THUD! was followed with a very triumphant, “Conquered!”

“What?” I called, still not wanting to move from my cynical relaxed spot.

“I conquered it!” Kamden called out victoriously.

Laughing to myself, I had to get up and see what it was he had conquered.

I entered the kitchen and there was no mess.  Nothing out of order.  I looked at him quizzically.  He stood smiling, so very proud of himself.  “Let me see what you conquered,” I asked.

With that he backed up, took in a deep breath, launched into two big steps and lept up toward the ceiling.  Which he touched.  “There.  I did it again.  I conquered it.”

Taking his head in my hands, I looked deep into his chocolatey brown eyes.  “Yes, you did.”   Trying over and over.  Setting a goal and not giving up until he achieved it.  Whether it be snapping, jumping to touch a ceiling, multiplication facts, or a 6 minute mile, kids just keep pressing on, jumping up, over and over and over again until it is conquered.  Then they move on to the next.  Now that is inspirational.

“I knew you were here,” she said.

“You did? How so?” I asked.

“I saw a car that looked like yours.” Sophie began to explain but I interrupted with, “Oh, and you recognized my license plate.” I did not even ask it as a question, I just stated it matter-of-factlly.

“Your license plate? No,” she said. “I don’t know what your license plate says. It’s the words around it that I recognized.”

This struck me as unusual. I have a personalized plate that is pretty easy to read. But what was around my plate? What did my license plate holder say? It took me a minute, and right as it came to me, Sophie said, “MAMA LOVE. I recognized your car because I know your car says MAMA LOVE on the back.” With that she took my hand and I took her sister’s. She knew I was there for her and her sister because she looked for and recognized the MAMA LOVE.

Ultimately, what is causing the friction, the tension, and the power struggle is MY inability to give up controlling every single aspect of their lives.    Just in the last six months our relationship has gone from my being in charge of them completely, to my being a mom who is there to help them navigate their own way from here on out.    Last week, I could not just be a “helper.”  I was holding lord over them, desperately clinging to my “Captain” role.  This is my ship!  I am in charge!  You will do as you are told!  It is my way or the highway!  You will defer to me!  Yup, pretty much trying to play God and have them surrender themselves and their will to ME.

Self-righteous and controlling are two words that now come to mind.  Therapy is another one.  How much future therapy have I caused them in the past seven days?  Enough to warrant a therapy scholarship?  Ah, if only there were such a thing, I would apply not only for them, but for myself as well.

But the best therapy is for me to realize that while they are still dependant upon me as I will always be their mom and hopefully always one of their “go to” people, they must now also find and depend upon own their own source, their own voice.   Prior to this moment in time, I was their captain – their voice, protector, guide, and cheerleader.  The one who kept them on the straight and narrow path.   Now, today, my role has shifted.  I am here to guide them as they find their own voice, a voice they can become dependent upon.   They will make their own mistakes.  I can’t stop them.  They will have their own experiences.  I can’t control them.   I have to let go, a little bit more each day, so that one day they can stand on their own as the bright, compassionate, wonderful young men that they are becoming.

So in this moment, I choose to shift my focus.  I will no longer look at them and see the past or literally fight with them to keep the past in the present.  I will not look at this as a loss.  Yes, I will grieve the babies and the life that we have lived for the last 13 years.  But I will grieve it privately, and quickly, so that I may move into the joy as I look forward toward the possibilities before them.  The possibilities of who they are becoming.  Who they are becoming because I was their Captain.  Who they will become because I am now just a guide.