I called the LADWP.  They referred me to Los Angeles Vector control (a vector is a stinging insect, who knew?).  They referred me to the Los Angeles Agricultural Department who does not deal with bees.  They referred me to pest control companies and beekeeper companies.  Beekeeper companies try to remove the bees by “taking them away” without exterminating them.  The exterminators, well, exterminate.  And it all costs money, honey.  And if they have started making honey, then it costs lots of money to eradicate the problem because the honey, the honeycomb and any bee carcasses must be removed.  After all this, my head is literally buzzing.  Or is that just the swarm I am hearing outside my window?  Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Why didn’t the manufacturers of standard interior doors co-ordinate with the manufacturers of refrigerators so that we consumers would not have to remove doors and handles from both to bring new appliances into and our of our homes?

Seriously, why would a new fridge have a standard (read – thick that sticks out) 3-prong plug, while a 15-year old fridge has a flush-mount (read – lays flat against the wall) plug?

Why, oh why, does each new appliance need an adaptor to fit the piping/plumbing of the old one?  Haven’t they seen how many adaptors come with iPod players? It’s inspirational.

My new fridge is sitting empty, unplugged in my kitchen while my frozen food sits in a cooler.  Why?  Because if you have to tip the refigerator to get it into your house (uh, see the door issue above), then it must stand upright, unplugged for 6 to 8 hours to allow the Freon to settle, or so I am told.  Soggy pizza, anyone?  Oh, and if you get thirsty, I don’t have filtered water, so BYO.

This fantasy ended as I found myself whining about the fact that I also do not have a full staff to maintain this paradise picture being drawn in my mind.  Instead, I started looking around my house and in my garage for what I did have that could bring my fantasy to fruition.  A twin sleigh bed banished because it was too babyish.  A lone full size box spring.  An old foosball table.  Mismatched pillows.  A bin full of old sheets and blankets.  Hmmm.  I felt the tickle of inspiration.  I knew, given all these ingredients, even old out of date ones, I could make it look purposeful, if not downright stylish and comfy.

As though the universe heard my cry, calls, emails and odd discoveries started showing up.  “Old table linens and towels, do you want them?”  “A full size futon mattress, want it?”  “Ooh, there is a coupon for a fan at Costco!” “What ever happened to the volleyball net?”  “Where is that giant pool float?”

Enlisting a few strapping young lads, I moved my new outdoor treasures to the patio and into the backyard and began the process of making them fit.   It’s like a challenging puzzle – where does everything fit just right to make a whole?  The white sleigh bed looked great because the kids climbing structure was white.  The foosball table filled a vacant area I had been struggling with for years.  The full size box spring was the perfect compliment to the futon mattress. An old hand-me-down “butterfly” chair from the garage was, evidently, very comfortable, and waterproof!  The just-so-happen-to-be green-and-match-everything-in-the-backyard sheets I found in a large garage bin felt like a gift from the decorating gods.  A selection of table linens was gifted by a friend who was going to donate them anyway.  A wireless outdoor speaker I already owned added the hotel like element of music.  Mismatched pillows that were destined to be garage sale fodder, and the miniature volleyball/badminton net I purchased at Target for $18 completed my accoutrements.  And all of it came together to form a perfect little outdoor lounge for kids and adults alike.

When my mother came to visit, she remarked on “how interesting” it was to have a bed outside.  She tested it out and promptly fell asleep for two hours.  The kids had friends over and the foosball table was used and enjoyed for the first time in years.  The discarded box spring and futon placed alongside the butterfly chair and sleigh bed was the area of choice for all to hang out, talk, listen to music and eat ice cream cones.   I noticed that few seemed to be drawn to the “proper” outdoor furniture.

Using what I had along with some items that others no longer wanted, I was able to create a functional space that served the same purpose as the beautiful outdoor rooms that inspired me in the Frontgate catalog.    Only better – because this space was created with free, repurposed stuff – and I was not worried about food on the fabric (old sheets!) or sun damage or water damage (it was already trash in my mind).  I was grateful to have it, to use it, and to enjoy it – without worry.  Why didn’t I discover this “Freegate” way of decorating long ago?

I was forced to face the facts: my garage is a disaster. Which, if you knew me and had been to my house, you would be surprised to hear. My house borders on minimalism. I don’t like stuff surrounding me. I am not a chatchke person (less to dust), I like things to be where they belong and I keep my house quite clean. It becomes obvious, however, that this is not due to an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) the moment you open my garage door – for that is where all the stuff has gone to die.

The “You’re above average” statement really hit a nerve. And I couldn’t let it go. I looked at my neighbor’s garage. Way, way, way above average. My friend’s garage. She is exceptional. My parents’ garage (sorry mom) – genius level. All of a sudden, based on my own investigation, I did not seem so above average (phew!). I did not have nearly as much stuff as those that I was comparing myself against. And when I looked at what was creating the mess, it seemed to be just a bunch of bikes, useless tools, ill managed laundry space, boxes of keepsakes and old school crap that if properly stored, could easily be cleared away.

Feeling better about myself and my garage status level, I set about making a plan of attack. I contacted several fabulous garage companies who provided many useful statistics. I also spoke with someone from NAPO – the National Association of Professional Organizers. But I was flailing. I worked myself into such a state of overwhelm I was unable to focus. No wonder garages everywhere are the last bastions of clutter – once the junk goes in, no one really wants to revisit it. It’s just so easy to ignore.

So why can’t I ignore it? Why does my garage continue to torture me? Why is ignoring the offensive mess no longer working for me? Maybe because…

1. Because I am part of the 73% of Americans that enters my home through my garage. I would never ever, ever, ever let anyone else enter through my garage (much less look at it) due to the flushing/shrinking violent embarrassment response, so why do I allow myself to be exposed to it everyday? It negatively affects me every time I walk through it. And do laundry in it. And venture into the depths of it to (hopefully) retrieve whatever I may be searching for. And I literally cringe as I duck under the cobwebs going in and out of my very clean house. The irony is not lost on me.

2. In another of my own scientific studies, I came to realize that I actually spend a significant amount of time in my garage. Much more than in my living room, which is nicely decorated, peaceful and truly one of my very favorite rooms. That’s messed up. Pun intended.

3. I cannot park my car, or any car in the garage. As I have recently placed the picture of a convertible in my mind to draw it closer into my reality (woo hoo!), so it would be nice to have an enclosed place to park it once it becomes real. Don’t laugh. I am indeed a woman who likes cars and wants a nice garage to park mine in. This area is no longer a bastion for men only. By the way, 25% of you are right there with me, using garages to store our clutter, rather than park our cars.

4. With the average cost of residential square footage in Los Angeles hovering around $300 a square foot, I figure I have about $120K of wasted valuable real estate attached to my home. I would like to make this space nice enough to use. I want the laundry experience to be more visually pleasing and space efficient. I want a place to put the ping pong/pool table so my kids can play year round. And it would be nice to move the unused drum set down by the pool table. Maybe then someone would bang on it so I would feel better about getting rid of it at my next garage sale.

Those are my top reasons. I now embarrassingly share with you a picture of my garage so that I will be held 100% accountable to changing it. Please share with me your ideas, suggestions and garage insights. I look forward to this being a collaborative effort and to chronicling it here with you. See you at home, through the front door only, for now.

HomeStretch™ is a regular column appearing the first Wednesday of every month on LMNOP4U.com.  Please let me know what is going on in your home by emailing me at info@KathleenMelton.com

I literally gasped when I saw the sign. “What? What?” Screams  from inquiring minds in the back seat begged  to know, “Are you okay?”   “Yes,” I said, calming down from my initial reaction. “Why do you sound sad, Mom?” And with that I pointed to the large,  white, upside down “L” holding a new “For Sale” sign planted in the front yard of our next door neighbor’s house. The three of us sat in silence, truly speechless, as we slowly pulled into our driveway.

Many things are changing in our world today. In my world. In my neighborhood. In my home. And depending upon whom I talk with, there are many reasons for the change: the economy, the administration, the greed of consumerism, inflation, the in-laws, the Joneses, and on and on. I listen, I comment, I shake my head in agreement or toss out the occasional disagreement. I also try to recognize what good can come of this – of each situation. I do not buy into the belief that we have to go through another Great Depression so that this generation can “learn its’ lesson,” thereby validating older generational behaviors (it’s okay to recycle the magazines dating back to 1982 and to donate old clothes stuffed into closets since the 70’s – you still don’t need them or wear them, they just take up space!)

Thinking of how different my life is now from just this same time last year, I looked out my living room window at the For Sale sign and I began to look at my home environment as a microcosm for my world.What is going on in my world, in my home, and how I choose to deal with it will (and does) affect all other areas of my life – my relationships, my finances, my body (I live on a hill), my network of people, my actual physical space, myself.

In this moment, I find my neighborhood, my world, my home, in a state of flux, with change coming in and out – sometimes a welcome visitor, sometimes not. Selling my house has crossed my mind as I went through a divorce last year, and while I gratefully came out of that with the house, I now realize how much of my life is in this home and that the way I live in this space has changed. My home environment has been affected by everything going on in my life – from the way it looks, to the way it feels and smells, to what things and which people are now inside of it. And while certain areas used to be for grown-up gatherings only, with my working more and throwing social gatherings less, my pre-teen boys are slowly taking over – even further redefining our home.

So, I ponder what is going on inside my neighbor’s house. In their lives. How their world and the happenings in their home world have shifted such that they decided to move after living and raising a family here for thirty years. How having a new neighbor will change the feel of our street, the look of our street, the safety of our street, and the socialization of the people on our street (hopefully they will become the new social gathering house!)

Our homes and our neighborhoods – and all that happens within them – can be viewed as a microcosm of our larger world. I invite you on this journey as I explore just how far our home environments can stretch us as individuals to make our ‘at home world’ and the world at large a better place to live.

HomeStretch™ will be a regular column the first Wednesday of every month on KathleenMelton.com.  Let me know what is going on in your home by emailing me at info@KathleenMelton.com