I looked up “divorce” in the dictionary today, having never had it truly defined by anything other than the immense pain that results from it. Here is what the trusty book had to say:

1. To terminate an existing relationship or union : Separate

2. To end marriage; to dissolve the marriage contract

And my personal favorite:

3. SEVERANCE. (Yes, this was in all caps in the trusty book adding to the scariness of it).

Looking up severance, I found what my sixth grade teacher used to count as wrong – defining a word with a derivation of itself:

Severance: the act or process of severing : the state of being severed

So, onward to severing and severed. Is it me, or does it keep sounding more and more violent as we further define it?

Sever – ed – ing: to put or keep apart : divide : to remove (as a part) by or as if by cutting.

And that finally gets to the core of it. Divorce feels like my heart, my chest, my insides are being cut apart and removed bit by bit by a jagged violent knife. It’s not just one severance causing the pain, for me it is a triple whammy. It is finally dealing with the dissolution of my marriage. Realizing, perhaps too late, how great the loss of my committed relationship and our families with another truly is. And the pain I have finally become conscious of that comes into play now that I have finally acknowledged that my kids don’t live with me full time anymore. The loss and the pain that delve into each of those situations are so deep, so intense, that unless you have been through it, unless you have ever allowed yourself to feel what severing truly feels likes and means on an emotional level, then there is no way to comprehend it.

Today, I share my pain and my loss with you. I heard a great quote today, one that I truly believe I was intended to hear and share, and God willing, it is true.

Pain shared is Divided.
Joy shared is Multiplied.

I never thought I’d say this, but I am sooooo looking forward to multiplication tables.

Swaying back and forth in the dark room as the optometrist inspected Kendall’s eye, I alternated between an intense need to make all kinds of bargains with God or run from the room screaming or cry or hold my son’s hand or tell the doctor, “Please hurry up and why is it taking so long!” Struggling with the intense nausea coming over me, it was all I could do not to go to the darkest, worst case scenario.

Yesterday morning, Kendall was hit in the eye with a soccer ball. His right eye. His big beautiful sky blue eye. Evidently, since that incident, there have been intermittent “black curtains” blocking his vision. I was not privy to this information, for whatever reason, until this morning. Until HE was sufficiently freaked out enough about it to BOTHER to tell me, his mother.

How can I help my kids if they won’t tell me what’s going on? And why the silence? Ten days ago, I discovered my other son’s big left toe was severely traumatized and had developed a serious infection. Truly horrifying to look at, I asked him in amazement how long it had been that way. “I dunno,” he said sheepishly, “awhile.”

Awhile. What exactly is “awhile” to a 10 year old or a 13 year-old. Long-enough-for the-toe-to-be-so-painful-as-to-require-an-emergency-visit-to-a-podiatrist-and-have-minor-surgery while? Or, wait-until-I-can’t-see-with-my-right-eye-so-many-times-that-wow-maybe-I-should-mention-something-to-my-mom while?

Children grow up and eventually claim autonomy. They want their privacy. I haven’t seen either of them naked for years. Nor would I want to – I cling to that little baby image in my head to this day and it does not need to be destroyed with body hair and smelly things. But, I have learned my lesson here. As they grow and showcase their responsible selves and what wonderful young men they are becoming, I must remember that they are STILL CHILDREN and they cannot be responsible to fully take care of themselves.

They can be left alone for brief periods. They can cook a meal. They can be responsible for getting their homework done. They know their chores and for the most part, they get the consequences of behavior – both positive and negative. But what they obviously don’t get, because they have no experience with it, is the repercussions of ignoring your health or your body. That, it seems, has been taken for granted.

I am grateful that the toe was able to heal after the minor surgery and 10 days of oral antibiotics. I am grateful that Kendall’s eye seems to be undamaged. I am also grateful that in the span of two weeks they (AND I) are now aware that if the “black curtain” or “floaters” appear in his eye, he needs to let someone know IMMEDIATELY so that we can monitor it and that if there is pain or something odd looking on your body MOM NEEDS TO SEE IT.

I will also now do RANDOM checks on their bodies. Arms, legs, hands, feet, face, scalp, neck, etc. to search for any abnormalities. I have talked to them about how to check their “private” areas and verified that all is being cleaned properly. Not exactly the most delicate or comfortable conversation to have with my kids, but jeez, if I am talking to them about the dangers of sex, that blow jobs are sex, to say to drugs, to act like a young gentleman regardless of what their friends are doing, then I can talk to them about taking care of and maintaining the care of their bodies – and KEEPING THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN on that subject with me and their Dad.

Make an appointment with your kids so you never have to ask in a panicked, nausea induced state, “It’s been this way for HOW LONG?”

As I sat down to write this, I popped a couple of Dove dark chocolate pieces in my mouth. Little did I know that today’s Every Monday Matters entry is EAT HEALTHY. Well, at least it was dark chocolate, which has some redeeming and healthy qualities, right?

As the obesity rates in our country rise, it is not just the adults we have to be concerned about. If a child is overweight, there is a 79% likelihood that they will be overweight as an adult. Not surprising given that French fries are the most widely eaten vegetable. Honestly, that is like calling Ketchup a fruit, which, I admit, I did for many years when it was the only “fruit” Kamden would eat.

So what can you do to be healthy and help your kids be healthy? I like the analogy of the airplane oxygen mask. In the event of an emergency, put YOUR mask on first, THEN assist your children. The same can be true for healthy habits and healthy bodies. If you are living a healthy lifestyle, eating a rainbow of colorful foods (not the kind out of the colorful packaging, but rather, the raw fruit and vegetable kind), exercising (sorry, the thumb and forefinger exercises on video games DON’T count), and exhibiting a healthy body image, then chances are you will pass all of that along to your children.

Indeed, this is one area where you SET AN EXAMPLE. And that example can make a huge impact on the quality of not only your life, but also the lives of your children and other family members. Need help figuring it out? Browse the information at Nutrition.gov or check out what Good Housekeeping Magazine has to offer so that you and yours do not become one of the 400,000 people who die annually from poor eating habits and laziness.

A Santé! Which is “to your health” in French (the language, not the side of fries).

In the past eight weeks I have upgraded much of my technology – either because something died, I received a generous gift (I LOVE my new MacBook Pro), or because it simply was so antiquated it no longer worked with anything I owned.

Little did I know that you need to know your ABC’s – or in this case NGB’s – for everything to work RIGHT.

Over the past eight weeks I have spent three or four hours on the phone with Belkin.  Two hours on the phone with HP.  And at least five or six hours watching Keith try to be helpful, trying to figure it out by myself,  or letting my kids have a stab at it (they are little techno geniuses in the making).

Finally, after all of those hours, and after the whole configuration not working again and again, someone at HP (the third or fourth person I spoke to, not the first a few weeks ago) finally suggested a reason – something that made sense.

“Your printer has a G card.  Your router is an N.”

“What?”  I said, as politely as I could, my mind now turning to the XBOX 360 wireless adapter we just ordered and wondering what letter was atttatched to it and if that mattered or not.

“What is my Mac Book?” I asked the HP guy, hoping he would know.

“G,” he said.  “Call Belkin.  They can reconfigure your router for you so that it works with both.  And you may need to call Apple.”

“Really.  Does everyone know this?  And if so, why wasn’t it brought up eight weeks ago during the first ‘Hello, my router isn’t working’ phone call?”  Again, i tried to sound so appreciative, masking my utter disdain for the lacking consumer education.  Or was it just my education?

Long story short, I called Belkin.  Again.  For the fourth or fifth time since I bought the device.  Harry – yes, the last person I spoke to when I called Belkin was named Harry as well, they ALL seem to be named Harry -  walked me through it again.  Verified that my devices were G devices, that my router was an N, but that he could help me set it up to work with both.

Walking through the same windows I had visited and altered on previous conversations, he had me change nearly all the settings.  “No,” he said, “This is the best one.”  Why didn’t the last Harry give me “the best settings?”  Believing this Harry seemed no less wrong or difficult that believing the last Harry, so what the hell, I listened, did as instructed and finally heard him say, “You need to pay attention when you are buying equipment to make sure it is compatible.”

I pay attention.  I buy from the companies whose ads I like.  That’s attention enough.  Why don’t the companies themselves team up and say – “HEY!  You – CONSUMER! If you buy that router from Belkin, it will work with these HP/Epson/etc. printers, with these gaming systems, etc., regardless if you have Mac or PC or both!”

I would be GRATEFUL for that.  And if these companies gathered the selections of compatible merchandise – or at least ADDRESSED the issue so that we consumers would not waste nearly a day’s time of our lives trying get them to work, failing and ultimately returning a perfectly good product – I might just recommend them, showcase them, and talk about how they make my life EASIER rather than recounting what they sound like as they hit the floor and break into a million pieces after a gutteral scream.  (No, I didn’t, but it seemed a much more dramatic ending than, “And after all that, it appears the ABCs of my NBGs is in order and all of my hardware now communicates appropriately).

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“There are three types of people in the world.

Those who can count.

And those who can’t.”

-?

Reading the “Prepare for an Emergency” entry in the Every Monday Matters book gave me the chills given the disasters and aftermaths that have been all over the news lately. Watching the television coverage of everything from Haiti to the local storms and landslides horrified me, brought me to tears, made me feel helpless and afraid, and ultimately, forced me into action.

Disasters, of any magnitude or size are never truly expected, but as we have seen time and time again, they are inevitable. And the only thing that seems to alleviate the fear and anxiety that come up for my family and me is to do what we can to prepare for them.

I admit that it has been quite a while since the last one, so I am planning a Disaster Preparedness Day for my family. On these days we simulate what happens: if there is an earthquake; if someone is drowning in the pool; if there is a fire; if there is a heavy rain and the hill slides; and any other “ifs” my kids or I can think up to prepare for. Aside from the “appropriate” actions that are reviewed on a Disaster Preparedness Day, there are other things that need we need to do as well. Here’s my list.

1. Communication Plan. Choose a person in your area AND outside your area for everyone to call and check in with. Make sure those numbers are in everyone’s phones and on the Emergency List.

2. Emergency List. Have a list by the main phone in the house and one in the car with all pertinent contact information, medical information and life saving instructions-directions-locations (for medicine, supply kits, etc.)

3. Cash. Paper and Coins. Bank ATMs and registers that accept credit cards may go down. Cell phone service may go out. Make sure there is cash (in small bills so it is not necessary for anyone to make change) and coins so that calls can be made at public phones if necessary.

4. Supply Kit. Buy or make one that will last each person in the household 3 days. Make sure everyone knows where it is located. And make sure that it contains something to purify water, for clean water can be more difficult to find that food after a disaster. The supply kit may also be a good place to put the cash and coins. Build a kit with the provided lists or purchase one from Ready, a national public service campaign designed to educate us to prepare for and respond to emergencies. Click here.

5. Practice your Plan. Most kids and adults learn through repetition. In the event of an emergency, if a plan has been practices, panic will be less likely.

“Prepare today…for any kind of tomorrow.” – Every Monday Matters (link)